Well hello there. It's been quite some time since we last spoke. Unfortunately I'm not nearly as happy as the last time I wrote a blog. I feel broken way too often, I don't want to be depressing so I apologize in advance for the rest of this post.

I just don't feel like I'm okay anymore.

I constantly feel unintelligent and like I'm just not pretty enough.

I figure there must be a reason he doesn't reciprocate my feelings even though everyone seems to think he's enamored with me.

So I just keep finding things wrong with myself.

I keep making up reasons why I'm not good enough.

Even before him I felt like I was breaking down.

Now it's so much worse.

I feel abandoned by my friends.

They're either too caught up with their own lives to care.

Or they never cared enough to notice anything is wrong.

I just want to fall asleep for days at a time so that I can escape this all for a while.

...Sorry...that was terribly depressing. I'm fine though. Don't worry.

Out of boredom, I cleaned my room today and went through all my stacks of papers that I had thrown in my desk drawers. And I found a lot of weird and awesome things, three of which are picture below : )

A friend made me this during a class we had together. All we ever did during that class was draw things for each other actually. And write notes. I love having blow off classes with my friends.


I don't know what this is or where it came from. It appears to be chords to a song called Aunt Rhody...and it also appears to have been written on a typewriter. I don't know how it got into my room or why it was in my room, it could be music that accidentally got placed into one of my music books I suppose. I actually just found someone playing the song on Youtube...interesting. It's a rather morbid song really...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YBMcdv4RPQ

This is a costume sketch I did a while ago. The woman doesn't have a head...or fingers. I've gotten better at drawing figures since then. The time period for this costume is the early 1900's, in the winter obviously. It was the first costume I ever really made, it was incredibly simple because all I really made was the skirt. Oh and sorry about the random scribbles on the side...I was testing which gray I liked better...


There's really nothing going on with my life to talk about. I'm getting together with my theatre friends sometime next week...but that's the only time I'll have gone out anywhere in a while. I like staying at home and sleeping. There was one thing that made me very happy today...it rained! Which is a very good things for people like me who unfortunately live in Texas and hate hot weather. When it rains, it gets cooler outside.

What? No, of course I didn't just wake up from sleeping for 13 hours o.O

This is why I love http://postsecret.blogspot.com

It the sort of thing that makes you go "Aww" because it's both cute and really upsetting. We've all got those things though y'know. There's always that one thing that will keep you from giving up, no matter how screwed up things are. My thing is technical theatre. I'd miss hearing the crowd applaud for something I lost sleep over. And honestly, if I knew anyone who was considering suicide right now, I would hope a reminder of how epic the seventh Harry Potter movies will be would persuade them to hold on at least a little longer.

I really wish I knew who sent this secret, I would want to be their new best friend.

And I really hope J.K. Rowling will see this.

I'm knitting a scarf. I messed up on counting the rows in that first blue block so it's a bit smaller but no one will notice because they'll be looking at the cool fringe. I love knitting, I wish I could knit mittens though because my fingers are freezing right now.

I'm watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire right now. It's always been my favorite Harry Potter movie : )

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpOdAfs8jr0

This is a great song by a band I'm going to be seeing in August : )

It's generally a bad thing when you haven't slept in two days, right?
The strange thing is that I'm not tired.
I've also bitten my fingernails down to the quick.
Generally insomnia and nail biting is a sign I'm stressed...but I'm not.
I have nothing to be worried or anxious about.
Maybe my mind is keeping secrets from me?

(This isn't important but I just realized that I never had problems with insomnia until I started high school. I don't care what anyone says, I believe that the majority of teenage insomnia is caused by stress related to school. I mean we have so much homework and then we have extracurriculars. I could probably be on a regular sleeping schedule if it weren't for theatre but then what the hell do I put on my college application? They'd just assume I was lazy and got all those As from sitting on my ass since I had nothing to be involved in. And Summer is hardly a break from it all, we have to worriedly await our results from AP testing while doing our Summer reading that we will be tested on in the first week of school. And unless your friends are in your classes, you'll only really see them a few times a year. I'm suprised I've even gotten this far without having a nervous breakdown.) Haha. So maybe I've been more stressed than I thought. Didn't even realize it.

I honestly have no idea why I post so many blogs. I'm fairly certain you're the only person who ever reads my posts Tim. Which is in no way a bad thing, I love that you take time to read my boring posts, I just know you don't check them often so I feel bad for posting like three in a day and giving you more to read. It's a little past five right now...I think I'm going to start writing a short story. I'm going to make it my goal to finish a short story by the end of summer since I generally seem to give up on my stories. Suggestions would be awesome...I always seem to get stuck in the middle so maybe some help would be good for me.

I happen to be quite obsessed with Harry Potter at the moment since the new movie is about to come out and well...I'm really excited. So if you know what that picture is, you're awesome, and you should know what it has to do with Harry Potter. If you don't know what it is, shame on you. It's the flying car that gets attacked by the whomping willow. I saw it in L.A. last summer when I went on a tour of Warner Brothers Studios. Cool, right? (I also discovered Pinkberry and saw a man running down the streets in scrubs, hitting a ball while on this trip. It was an exciting week.)

I'm getting really tired of Texas weather. It's almost 10pm and the temperature is 90 outside. During the day it was around 103 for most of the day. And this is why I need to move far away when I go to college. Okay well weather isn't my only reason but it's definitely a contributing factor. I don't know why my parents used to tell me I'd get used to the weather...this kind of heat is something you just can't get used to. I just looked up the weather forecast for Tripoli, Libya which is located in the Sahara Desert region of North Africa, and all this week the weather is predicted to be around the same temperature as it will be in Texas.

Strangely, while I'm complaining how hot it is, I've begun knitting a scarf today. I knit slowly so it won't be finished until Fall, I just found it funny that I was sweating and knitting something that would make me warmer.

I've got to go watch Harry Potter weekend on ABC Family now. Bye.